IELTS 2-part question Essay: Violence on TV

A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?

Пишем эссе в четыре шага:

Шаг 1️⃣: после перефразированная формулируем мнение + аргумент почему вы занимаете эту позицию + отвечаем на 2-й вопрос (решение, причина, фактор):
Violence broadcasted on television is often believed to have a detrimental impact on children’s psychology resulting in juvenile delinquency and I totally agree with it. Firstly, this essay will discuss the reason why children are affected which is the distortion of reality. Secondly, it will analyze parental control and strict censorship as the most effective measures to struggle with this issue.

Шаг 2️⃣: поясняем первый аргумент + пример:
The main reason why children are under great influence of violence shown in prime time is that it distorts their view on life. In other words, being bombarded with an excessive amount of aggression, youngsters lose the ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality. This is because rarely do children realize the adverse consequences of aggression in the long run. As a result, teenagers are prone to identify themselves with a violent character and start being cruel in real life. According to a recent survey conducted in Alabama State, America, among young people between fifteen till seventeen years old, school shootings, increases in bullying, and violence towards peers have been closely linked with the violence shown on the local channels.

Шаг:3️⃣ поясняем второй аргумент +пример:

The most effective measure to deal with this problem is to control what children watch from the parents’ side. To put it differently, if it were not for parental control, children would not be aware of the time and content of the broadcasts. Not only is parents’ responsibility to supervise what their children watch from THE screens, but it is also the government’s one. Therefore, it is high time the government took the first steps in resolving this issue by stricter censorship of prime-time programs.

Шаг 4️⃣: дублируем мнение в заключении + суммируем оба аргумента:

In conclusion, I am firmly convinced that cruelty and violence on television has a direct impact on children’s aggression. This is due to the fact that youngsters confuse the virtual world with the real one desensitizing them. Therefore, both parents and the government should maintain a united front on the issue of violence on television.

Grammar errors: 3 minor

Vocabulary inaccuracies: 3

Advanced Grammar Structures: 6

Less commonly used vocabulary: 10

Approximate Band 7.5

Task Achievement 7.0

Coherence and Cohesion 7.0

Lexical Resource 8.0

Grammatical Range and Accuracy 7.5